How To Seduce Your Penis

Once again, I feel the need to add a preface. I wrote this sometime around March of '04 while studying abroad. My roommate at the time was preparing a satirical "Worst Case Scenario" book, which caused me to think of the comedic possibilities of a How-To format. I started thinking of the last things anyone would ever need an advice booklet for, and of course, masturbation came to mind. From there, it was all about making the essay as outrageous as possible, mentioning bizarre ideas and practices in passing as if totally normal. The essay has since been published and readers have since thought me crazy if not perverted, hence this introduction. Enjoy.

Loving The Penis That Loves You Back

You may have noticed it from afar, winking at you while dancing with your every step. You may have even felt its seductive brush against your body, beckoning your touch. However, if you are consulting this essay, odds are you are not as "familiar" with your penis as you may wish. Have no fear, the following paragraphs will contain all the information you need to fully and effective seduce your penis.

The first step in any seduction is learning about your prey. Who is your penis; where does it hang out; what entices him (or her)? At times your member may appear a distant enigma, but have no fear, your penis is as attached to you as you are to it, and all you have to do is find a way to connect with your loving partner.

One way to earn your penis' trust is to earn the trust of its closest friend, the scrotum. This may sound easy, but I assure you, the scrotum is no push over. It demands constant supervision and will gladly let you know if it is uncomfortable in anyway. In many regards, your scrotum is akin to an old man: wrinkly; cranky; and dressed with a thin coat of hair. He does not like extreme temperatures and will react accordingly. Should the weather be too chilly, he will retreat inwards, convincing the penis to join him. This is not acceptable and your best bet is to avoid uncomfortable situations. Likewise, should your scrotum be attacked in anyway, either by an accidental bump or a full on assault by your ex-girlfriend, it will notify you of its displeasure. Odds are your penis will want nothing to do with you until the scrotum has healed and come to terms with the incident. Make sure your scrotum is pleased at all times, but don't compromise your relationship with your penis, remember, you aren't trying to seduce your scrotum.

When approaching the seduction phase, one must remember to be kind to your penis. No matter what type of relationship you plan on having with your member, you should always begin by being gentle and considerate, making sure to take into account both its feelings and yours. Although your penis may fit in a variety of holes, try to reserve it for holes which both you and it can enjoy. For example, holes in the wall, toaster, or any holes belonging to a relative should be avoided. This is a sure fire way to tell your penis "Hey, you can trust me penis, we're buddies".

The final step is the seduction. Now be aware that your penis may be a little nervous the first time. Be considerate. While you may prefer a rougher physical relationship, make sure the seduction is soft and slow. Utilize a variety of water based lubricants. Try lighting a few candles, playing some soothing music, and gently approaching your penis. At first your penis may be timid, so only use one hand, preferably your strongest one, to carefully massage it. If your technique is effective, you will see the fruits of your labor instantly. Continue with the effective technique until you reach a climax. Then carefully clean up any subsequent mess and leave the public toilet as if nothing had happened.

After a few romps in the bed, or in the car, or on your friend's sister's pillow, you and your penis will find yourselves madly in love with each other. While this is undoubtedly a wonderful experience for you both, many will not be able to appreciate your new found love. Most of them will be Catholic, but some may just be your average passerby. It's best to avoid public displays of affection between you and your penis. While there may be countless reasons to celebrate your new love: a gentle breeze; the shaking of a public bus; maybe even the low cut shirt of a passing woman; it is entirely unacceptable to openly express your desires. In the event that your emotions do get the best of you, try to find a secluded place to physically enjoy your penis’ company. A closed off room is your best bet. Under no circumstances should you attempt to seduce your penis through your pants pocket, it will only cheapen your love and dramatically reduce the resale value of your trousers.

There may be times when your penis angers or embarrasses you. Perhaps your penis will become aroused during inappropriate times, perhaps it will not be ready for love when you are. That's fine; you can get what you want out of your penis if you are considerate and reasonable. Should your penis desire affection during an inappropriate time, try distracting your penis with your imagination. Try thinking of scary, disgusting, or even embarrassing thoughts, such as how you have to consult a manual in order to jerk off. This should send your erection into remission and allow you to continue jumping rope in the park. Should your penis not desire affection when you do, try gently stroking and playing with it. Eventually your penis will lighten up and respond appropriately.

With these instructions in mind you are now able to begin the seduction of your penis. Remember, true love blossoms from trust and understanding, not from cheap whiskey and peep shows. Don't push your penis too hard and always be ready to hear its opinion of your relationship. That being said, I'm sure you and your penis will enjoy many romantic evenings together. Don't be afraid to express your emotions, caress its head gently, tell your penis you love it, and enjoy the rest of your days together.

Reasons Why I Like My New Belt

- it's shorter than the previous one, less awkward tail action
- deep brown color nice change from traditional black
- larger belt buckle
- fairly cheap
- greater belt width, more support, more sweet belt action
- is not cracking with wear like old belt
- bought it with store credit from returned gift, expense not out of pocket
- belt buckle has rolling top to reduce friction when tightening
- its thickness implies that it will not rip or stretch easily

A Letter To The Editor

If I remember correctly, it was the winter of '04. I had been sitting around bored (drinking) for several hours when the idea came to me. I would write a letter to a radically conservative and homophobic Christian website asking the editor and webmaster for advice concerning a very delicate and delicately put issue. Fucking brilliant. I created a fake email account under the name Jim Baldwin, as in the famous writer, gay rights advocate, and homosexual James Baldwin. I sent out numerous emails, but only received one back, although I stopped checking the account shortly after receiving this email. Both the original email and its response have not been edited, which makes the whole thing that much funnier. I would like to mention that the use of homophobic language and stereotypes was of course intentional and that it is not reflective of any beliefs I hold. I was making a very concerted effort to make the letter as ridiculous and unbelievable as I could. I have omitted the original website address for a variety of reasons, but mostly due to a lack of respect for the reader. Enjoy.

To Whom It May Concern,
My name is Jim Baldwin and I have been a true Christian all my life. I am writing in an attempt to save a friend of mine who I fear has been influenced by society’s more deviant elements. I suppose the situation is fairly complicated, so I had best start from the beginning. I sincerely hope you can save him.

Every Wednesday, my friend Jackson comes over for what we like to call “Gladiator Night”. We sit around and watch movies which feature ancient Roman gladiator fights, Ben Hur and Gladiator being the most popular examples. It is by nature a very heterosexual endeavor, as the man on man action is often extreme. I do not understand how sex relates to two burly men, with hardly any protection, wrestling each other to death under the intense Roman sun. Regardless, I am not the one with the problem.

My friend Jackson started acting odd from the beginning. He made some comment on finding out a long time friend from work was gay. I asked him what he was going to do, but Jackson just shrugged his shoulders, implying the situation was fine as it stood. I of course prayed for him that night.

As the night and Gladiatorial warfare continued, Jackson began acting nervous. At one point, he put a couch cushion over his lap. While he claimed he had just noticed a hole in his pants, I believe he was attempting to hide a massive erection. I felt uncomfortable, but I was raised not to be rude to guests.

I asked Jackson to leave when he noticed an especially muscular extra and commented on how that man could “bench press me anytime he wanted.” He of course said the remark was in reference to the man’s ability to bench press him at any moment of the day, due to his build, but I believe it was in reference to his homoerotic desire to engage in coitus with another male. He had to go.

This is where I stand. I am afraid my friend has turned gay and I want to help him. Is there hope? Should I stay clear of him as to avoid his gay influence? What can I do? Please tell me ASAP.

Sincerely,
Jim Baldwin



I don't think it is a matter of him turning gay. It is a behavior problem that can start very young, he possibly has at one time been abused? Maybe by a family memeber or freind of the family? Most people who are homosexual generaly have been abuse at some point in their life. Not all but about 90 percent of them.
Some people are born with the tendancy to different types of sin, such as lying, or stealing, and of course types of sexual sin, such as having to have sex all the time, an uncontrolable urge, like an addiction. Homosexuality lies in that catagory. It is not normal behavior to have sex with the same sex, just as it is not normal to have sexual feelings for animals and small children. Just like it is not normal to take something that is not yours.
Sin is a learned behavior. Just like the way people treat each other. Generaly we all know deep inside what is not normal and what is normal by what we are taught as small children and by what we experience in the way people treat us, we learn how to treat others by watching our parents in how they treat others.
Homosexuality is a very deadly sin. It separates us from God, and can lead to a very dangerouse life and deadly afterlife.
Your freind is confused and may have deep guilt feelings. you can help him by not judging him and talking to him about maybe what is troubling him. at home or at work. And being honest with him about his behavior, and just let him know that you care and if he needs to talk things out that you will be there for him, and maybe find some good web sites that can give him the help he needs to fight the temptation of sexual sin. He nor anybody else does not have to live the life of a homosexual. The lie that is in the world that homosexuality is something your born with is a total cop out. There is no proof what so ever that this is a fact. the fact I do know is, is that God would never make an abominaiton against Himself. Human beings souls are born perfect. It is free will that brings us into sin.
Think about that.
There are web sites out there that I have at my web site for the cure for homosexuality at
OMITTED
God Bless you
Carol

Busted Blenders and Broken Hearts

If I remember correctly, I was making my nightly toffee milkshake. Engulfed in my quest for deliciousness, I put too much toffee in the blender. I awoke the next morning to find the plastic bottom stuck to the pitcher, rendering the blender uncleanable, unusable. A gift to my roommate from his uncle when he was only five had been destroyed in my journey to the land of perfect toffee milkshakes and late night gluttony.

I left work early that day and waited for my roommate on the front steps.

“John, I got to talk to you man. Last night, I, well, I was making a milkshake and things got way out of hand. Umm, the blender’s broken. I don’t know what to say.”

“My blender? That was a gift from my uncle. We used to make milkshakes together when I was a kid.”

“I’m really sorry man. I’ll get it fixed.”

“His dying words to me were ‘Shake it up Johnny’.”

“Consider it fixed man, I just wanted to let you know. I’ll take care of it.”

But I never did and my roommate noticed. After a particularly impressive night at the bars, I came home to find the blender tucked into the sheets of my bed. I reacted with anger and resolved to speak with John immediately after I removed the blender from my bed, both of which I decided to leave until the following morning.

“Why did you put the blender in my bed,” I asked with all the fury my hangover would permit.

“Because it’s still broken and it means the world to me. Don’t you feel like an asshole for breaking a promise?”

“No, I haven’t had time to fix it.”

“What do you feel like?”

“A nap.”

“Is that funny to you?”

“I don’t think that’d be funny to anyone,” he walked away and I fell asleep on the couch shortly thereafter.


Oh toffee, how delicious and cruel an axe you wield. Was my milkshake worth destroying my friendship over? How could I have been so foolhardy in my pursuits? I began thinking that perhaps this was the greatest social mistake I had ever made.

But then I started thinking about the blender in my bed, and that maybe John saw it as some sort of punishment. In fact, maybe it was part of a whole system where infractions invoke the placement of various kitchen appliances in the offender’s room. Breaking a loved possession of his might earn me the old blender in the bed, while not doing my dishes might deliver a rice cooker onto my laptop. If I forgot to take a message for him, he’d put the Dust Buster in my sock drawer and if I was late with rent, he’d put the whole fridge in my room. It was only a coincidence that I broke the same appliance with which I was punished.

Now knowing his game, I waited for my chance to strike like a rabid hawk waits for a plump rodent to appear from its nest.

And appear he did.

Several nights later, after retiring to bed early in preparation for a grueling day of work, I was woken by the screams, giggles, and moans of my roommate and his girlfriend fooling around on our living room couch. I knew this was my chance to use his punishment system against him, but how? Should I put a blender in his bed? No, he had already escalated the situation, I couldn’t back down. I needed to show him I was willing to play hardball. If he was going to spite me by moving the kitchen into my bedroom, I’d spite him back by moving my bedroom into the kitchen.

I jumped out of bed and into action. Despite their clear view of the kitchen, neither one of them noticed or said anything until my mattress was setup on the floor. I was tucking in the last corner of my sheets when I caught John’s attention.

“What the fuck are you doing,” he shouted at me. His girlfriend was speaking very quickly to him and I had trouble hearing much of what she said.

“You know damn well what I’m doing, you spiteful bastard. You had this coming for a long time,” I replied as I sat on the edge of my mattress and straightened the jacket on my pillow. I had my back to them as I crawled towards the edge of my bed to get beneath the covers and I heard my roommate yell “Dude, you’re freaking her out.” Infuriated that his girlfriend was a factor in our confrontation, I looked over my shoulder on all fours and screamed “This is my apartment and I always sleep in the nude.”

His girlfriend left shortly thereafter and John stormed into the kitchen and started screaming about this and that, I wasn’t really paying attention. I had beaten him at his own game. As he turned to go to bed, he grabbed his broken blender off the counter, lifted the edge of my sheets, and threw it at me as hard as he could. I was furious and resolved to speak with John immediately after I removed the blender from my bed, both of which I decided to leave until the following morning.

The Worst Thing I Ever Stepped On Barefoot

The worst thing I ever stepped on while walking around barefooted was an oddly shaped yellow Lego, that belonged to a space shuttle set, that belonged to the child who I also stepped on.

Your Neighbor

Your Neighbor Hates Hot Chicago Summers, Minorities

Breaking away from his usual comments about the economy and your poor lawn care, your neighbor issued a public statement regarding his dislike for the hot Chicago summer and minorities. His statement, read aloud at his daily morning press conference, was the first public acknowledgement of these feelings and set a milestone in his frankness with the press corps. "It's so goddamn hot I can hardly sleep at night. The sheets stick to my skin and I wake up sweating. I can't go outside without getting a sun burn, unlike some other people. I fucking hate 'em." When later asked to whom he was referring, your neighbor replied "You know damn well who I'm talking about. Those goddamn minorities running around, taking over our schools and governments. They're lazy, their women are always pregnant and their men are thieves and prone to violence. A bunch of goddamn drunks if you ask me.” Your neighbor then took a sip from his glass of lemon ice water and added “Sweet mother of God it’s hot.” The following question and answer session was cut short when your neighbor checked his watch and remarked “It’s beer thirty, time to start drinking,” and abruptly left the room.

Global Warming